Royalty

I have the best family that there ever was and they alone are all the gifts, wonders and riches of the world! They are more precious than any precious stone and are stronger than any other diamond that has ever been found in the rubble. They are my rock.

Of all the people who have roamed

and of all the people that have set foot on the Earth,

of all the things that have come to be

and of all the things that will come to pass,

they are the first and the last treasure.

© Kayla Napua Kong December 25, 2012

Without flaw

“Things done with the heart will always turn out perfectly because the heart has no imperfections.

It is perfect.

I feel that you have given me your heart and now I am complete.”

© December 25, 2012 Kayla Napua Kong

The Thought and The Heart

It's not just the present,

it's having the present in the present,

it's what you did to get it and what it means to have it before my very eyes

(right now)

what it means to want when there was no means

and then to receive when I didn't expect to

--and from you, you and you--

that's what makes it more than a present but a true gift!

At times like this,

when things aren't glowing as brightly as we are

and all around us looks the same,

when we seem to be in the same place as we were yesterday,

your gift has done things that I would have never known.

It is something I did not expect.

The action of you doing something different

and, of all times, right now,

has changed the repetition of the past

(a past in which our world did not turn and time did not pass)

what you have done has moved me

(we once were invisible beings)

now you have touched me...

within my tears that are like the sea

~the thought and the heart~

I will never forget.

Love,

Kayla ♡

© December 25th, 2012 Kayla Napua Kong

Defy the definitions

De•fy

Just because it's not in the dictionary, doesn't mean it's not a word. Words are a way of communicating with other beings. No one thing can be taken away or made out to not exist. Someone who speaks their language cannot say that your language is not an actual language or word. No one can define any one thing as though it is the same for everyone else. No one can define your words, your experiences, your beliefs, your life, and no one can define you.


11-19-2012 Mon, 2:56am © Kayla Napua Kong

More or nothing

“If you're going to think little of someone, you don't have the right to think of them at all!”


11-25-2012 © Kayla Napua Kong

Don't pity the fool

I notice that the person I am today has a lot to do with feeling hurt and sad

and getting fire from that so that I can be fiercely myself against the world!

Find strength in feeling left behind and alone.

Find your special power in being invisible.

Don't feel pity for yourself.

Feel power for yourself!

and I've learned that:

Being by yourself is the best way to be yourself! *;)

11-19-2012 & 12-1-2012 © Kayla Napua Kong

Dream and then Dance

She was empty and blank like a clean sheet of paper.

Not even she knew who or what she was, but it didn't change what she would be, and they could feel it. She had the contradicting potential that destroyed all of the beliefs that they had built their entire life and future upon! She had something that they did not believe existed and it was a part of her as though it loved her. And the thing, whatever it was, threatened the things they had built--and they hated it and her as one.

Their hate became denial. Everyday they laughed at her, drenched in their disbelief. They couldn't believe her guts. [She was crazy! She must be!] Her mere existence troubled them and tampered with their inner peace. Everything about her was hard for them to accept so, they didn't! Their actions and empty defensive words pressed on. An entire community and society of people constantly questioned, challenged and disapproved of her. Her own few friends betrayed her. All of it was just too much to take!

She went away where she could be alone from their voices. The silence was powerful. Being alone was wonderful. She went farther away, put on her headphones, and turned on the music that drowned out all of their laughter and jest. All she could hear was the music and all she could feel was the beating of her own heart thriving! The music watered and nourished her soul and she flourished! And then she began to dream! In a different universe and in many new worlds, she found her own voice! And she started to unveil things! She began to discover what she was made of and who she truly was inside and, in doing so, her meaning and purpose was revealed!

But she couldn't do her purpose yet. Though she could run with it, all the doors were closed. She made sure that she was doing all that she could--but all she could do was dream and dream and dream some more!--acknowledging the voice, taking all that the future has to hold, and storing it; As they added up in piles and piles in the safe.

Years had passed and all the storing was finished. It had taken so much out of her, including all of the life and purpose it gave. Her eyes were weary with waiting and feeling close to giving up. But finally, one day, it was time! It didn't seem like the time because it wasn't how she had imagined it would be. Everything was wrong and opposite and destroyed her ideal vision. But she had to do something! Anything! She just had to do it! No matter what it was she needed to be in action!

She got up and started running! It reminded her of when she used to run before. Everything felt the same except for the green light! She took the road anyway and followed all the green lights that clearly said “GO!" even when the yellow and red lights threatened to differ her, she took them as arrows to change direction and find the next lane that said “GO!" on and on, quickly yet seeming to go on forever... swerving and speeding down the endless roads... all the obstacles made her even more eager and, though her goal seemed like it would never come, it became more pronounced. It became stronger with every setback.

She put in the work, the hours, the time. She strained her eyes with the reading and the learning of languages she thought she wouldn't understand. She made things up, as she followed the voice inside her, even when it pointed her to alleyways that didn't make sense to anyone else. Sometimes it didn't even make sense to her own mind but she listened to the voice instead. It pointed her to seemingly unstable grounds which she built sturdy foundations upon; onto which she built safe dwellings that would one day house her dreams. She learned a lot just from listening to the voice and the great knowledge of it seemed to have come straight out of the air--which it did.

Sleepless days that turned into sleepless weeks, years, decades, and centuries--that passed by like seconds, minutes and hours.

Eventually all of her hard work, redirecting, and learning, was starting to come together. They fell into place before her very eyes. Little confirmations that this was right.

She had been holding and carrying these heavy dreams alone and she imagined the day when she could share it and no longer be all alone and lonely with it.

Finally, one day, she was finished. Suddenly the time was Now. It was scary and exciting. She was about to take the first step into her future--“Am I really ready?", she thought, as she stepped into it slowly.

Again, all the pieces fell together. Like a fresh deck of playing cards, she organized and dealt them in a feverish yet agile way. Fervently releasing her creations, she poured out her truth and her honest heart onto the paper and into the world where her friends and her enemies dwell. She was no longer holding back; She put, not some but, ALL of herself out there for the first time! But they did not react. They were silent. They did not respond to her or support her. They did not show up. They were not there for her. However they were receiving her was off. They were strange... and in those moments she realized that they were all the same. They were all strangers.

But she let the sad truth turn into strength, power and happiness for there was a time when she had accomplished nothing. “I have trouble completing things but just look what I've accomplished! And all on my own!" she exclaimed!

They were at a loss for words. All they could do was drop their jaws or run away from her light.

But she felt the weight lift slightly from her no longer heavy shoulders. Fluttering like a butterfly in flight, she soared! She twirled in the suns light! “Look what I've accomplished!", she told the skies! She walked on tippy-toes, moving to the rhythm of her joy and jubilant laughter! But no one else was laughing. Though she had sent them thoughtful invitations to join the celebrations of her first ever grand opening, no one came, even though she had gone to theirs and supported them when they had invited her to their moment in time. Everyone only looked but no one believed and no one could speak.

The silence was powerful.

But everything was gonna be alright because, somewhere in the distance, she could hear a reassuring voice saying:

“Music was for when we dreamed.
Now, silence is for when we dance."

*;)

November 15, 2012 Thursday 6:25am © Kayla Napua Kong

in case

We don't want to just exist together
we want to LIVE together
but in case we don't get that
let's try to enjoy
the existence we will get to have
together
right now

*u.u,

iPod Note: October 5, 2012 1:52am © Kayla Napua Kong

behind the scenes: thoughts

...as i sat, searching on the computer, alone in the dark room lit up only by the small desk lamp, for a picture of Honi to use in the “About” page of www.HoniBoujouGirls.com, I came across a handful of memories from a lifetime ago. It was another life then. The best camera, in my opinion, a Fujifilm 1.3 mega pixel digital camera, from the beginning of the millennium when digital cameras were beginning to be a thing that people owned, captured so much light and life in a time before another kind of storm. We, all of us, were so much younger then, so naive then.  We didn't know about time and passing. I sat there, trying to find a picture and instead I found a bunch of sad feelings. Though there's nothing we could have known better, there was regret... that little part of you that regrets the way life turned out. Because we don't really know what life is until it's gone. We don't understand that the purpose of life is not to let you live while you're young but to learn what life really is before you die. I regret that that's the way life is. Why can't it be another way? Why couldn't life have been easier? But at the same time I know why and I do kind of understand but at the same time I feel sad about the way things are and I regret when I wish things were different...

thoughts of 11/1/2012, lil' edits 11-28-2012, pic added 12-1-2012 © Kayla Napua Kong

Disappearing

When you lose someone, it's not only that person that you lose. It's not only that person that you miss when they are gone. It's also a part of you that will never come back because you can never be completely the same after you lose someone. A part of you is lost. That slightly more innocent part of you that didn't know the emptiness of echoed memories--not like this. It's not just the loved one that's a ghost. It's like you're a ghost too... I can see my old self echoing... she is just a ghost. And as life goes on you will only lose more until there is none of you left.


November 23 & 25, 2012  © Kayla Napua Kong

Remembering

(*U.U)

We forget why we forgot in the first place

and

in remembering

we remember it was to protect us from the pain

so, forget again.


September 5, 2012 4am © Kayla Napua Kong

little thumbnail

I have to admit

I forgot about you

I think of you so often

everyday since you've been gone

but I know I forgot about you

or maybe I just haven't been thinking about you for a few hours or minutes...

or maybe I had just forgotten that time

that little moment in time

do you remember that one time?...

anyways...

I was signing in to some old accounts

and checking if I could delete them now

since they're so old

and I haven't used them in so long

they were just floating around

out there in cyberspace...

I signed in to an old account that I hadn't signed in to in ages...

I used to use that account to store some pictures

and I know I forgot about this

because when I went in to check

to check what I used to use this account for

I seen a little tiny square

a little thumbnail

and my heart sank because it was a thumbnail...

of you--





and I know I had forgotten...

because, if I hadn't, my heart wouldn't have felt the pang

it wouldn't have felt the difference of feeling normal

to suddenly feeling sad

a little heart feeling...

it wouldn't have felt the reminder

that even though my life somehow feels almost the same

it is not

because I just remembered

because for a few minutes I had forgotten

that you are gone.


Kayla Napua Kong © October 21, 2012 3:38am
(little edits done on December 1, 2012 Sat.)

Gamble

• Never stop playing the game
• don't give up
• roll the dice
• take the risk

: Gamble

11-20-2012 © Kayla Napua Kong

I thought--but--Maybe...

If something's just not right, if you just can't hit send but you can't leave it alone, maybe there's something there to figure out... maybe that strange little thing that was interrupting your sleep at night, that you thought was annoying, is really something tugging at you to uncover it! Maybe it's trying to tell you something. Is it speaking to you? Is it asking you something? Maybe you have to crack the code. Maybe it's asking you to let it out of it's cage! Maybe it's bigger than you ever imagined! Maybe you have to pick the lock. Maybe you really have to pay close attention to this annoying little bug because maybe, just maybe, it has the potential to be so much more! Maybe it doesn't want to be what you thought it was going to be... Maybe it wants to be Great!

November 20, 2012 Tues. 10:16pm © Kayla Napua Kong

So speak it!

“You can't really go wrong with speaking the truth because, most likely, someone else feels it too!"

© Kayla Napua Kong 11-13-2012

The Ugly and The Truth

What makes me strong?

I, indeed, DO live a hard life 

and yet when I see people that I haven't seen in years

they look worse off than me?

By the way, it genuinely surprises me!

I am poor

--No

I am BROKE!

and have been for majority of my life

and yet sometimes people get offended by me (and by my family)

they are so blinded by my strength that they actually feel threatened

some actually get offended, as if I did something to them

(which I haven't!--I think it's just the fact that I exist that offends them)

some actually get mad... like friends who, one day, are just fed up with your presence that they betray you instead of support you!

(you see, when deep down inside you are not a true friend for reasons such as envy, you will believe any sh*t talking someone else says about your friend... and you will betray them by believing the ugly lies that you hope are truths)

and others...

feel the need to show off...

they start name dropping

brands, colleges, jobs, vacation spots, new homes that their daughter, son, and they've bought...

people getting married... businesses and flaunting...

naming all the places and spots that they think are the “it" places to be...

it's like WTF is going on?

what are they talking about and why tho???

It takes me a while to actually get what they're doing because it seems so weird, unnecessary, and stupid to me...

you know, I thought I was the loner who doesn't have social skills and yet I have more courtesy and manners than these people...

After a long while of trying to figure out what they're doing

That they're trying to show off and compete with me...

I laugh to myself...

if they only knew!

If they only knew!

They would not trade their life for mines any day

and they would not tolerate their own sh*t that they're dishing to me

I know they wouldn't.

I live a very disciplined life, you know!

I seriously don't think you would like to give up all your little human pleasures of life

like your moisturizer, and monthly haircut, your shopping every month... your hot water... your sturdy house... your “sense of security"...  your kitchen... your refrigerator... your bed... your space... your room... your medical... your vitamins... your social life, your drinks, your influences, your friends, your enemies, your frenemies, your attention, your hoopla, your pride, your front! Your lies!

There is so much I have given up and I know you would never go that far... never endure what I have... you don't have the guts to face the truths and the fears dead in the eyes, acknowledging it and accepting the fate... letting go of the hard headed control... and you would never do what it takes to follow the dream I am following... you don't have the guts to take the risks... you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want to give up nothing and receive everything. You're like that story where nobody wants to help the chicken bake the bread but yet you think you deserve a slice. And yet you think you have the grounds to try to battle me? Try to show off to me? Trying to be all bling bling and high makamaka in everyone's face???

Would you do that to a homeless kid?

To a charity?

To those poor starving people on the commercials?

...and yet you think you can do that to me?

Think about it! You don't know people's lives OK! You don't know who the hell you're fxing with! What makes you think you have the right to go flaunting your nonsense in other people's faces, huh? With your air of superiority.

I can see if you just truly love this kinda pretty, beautiful, fancy things (It is fun and I, myself, loves beautiful, pretty, lovely, things) but I can tell the difference OK?

Some people talk about those things and you can just tell that that's their passion, it makes them truly happy and it really is who they are... they're human and it is indeed cool and awesome and amazing!... but others, you can tell, just want to be better and above everyone else and flaunt--flaunt--flaunt--flaunt--flaunt! tantaran!

See, it's okay if you really do like the beautiful blings of life! It's pretty much OK if you like anything and anyone and it doesn't really matter what you do! Because it's not actually what you do... it is how you are doing it and with what motives... and when it's ugly motives... it's an ugly trait... and in the end... it's gonna affect you... and maybe even your appearance... just saying *shrugs*

What makes me strong?

It Is Not Money.

It Is Not Bling.

It Is Not the fad or what is in.

It is not the crowds.

It is not the superficial.

It is not the lies.

and it definitely is not because I am living the life.

It Is Because I Don't Let The Physical Things Tell Me Who I Am.

I Am Not The Appearance

I Am Not Everything That You See

I Am Not The Shallow Things That Other People May See

I Am Below The Surface

It Is Because I Don't Let The Physical Things Tell Me Who I Am.

More Importantly: I Am Not Everything That You Don't See

The Tough Stuff That I Live Every Day

I Am Not The Day To Day Struggles That Can, if I let it, bring me down.

I Am Deeper Than You Think

I Am A True Feeling...

and maybe that's really what you're feeling... isn't it?

Because no matter how much you try to escape your truth, my truth, the truth...

no matter how much you lie, it will always be there.

They are malicious because they are defensive

They are defensive because they feel threatened

They feel threatened because they can't handle the truth.

I am protecting the inner most important part of myself, who I truly am. That's why, in life, people try to tell you the lies to make themselves feel better. They are confused and don't understand because they don't know how to handle the truth. They don't want to believe the great in you... and actually, maybe, they are not capable! They don't believe the extraordinary because they only believe in the robotic routine. You can't make progress when you're living a lie. They can sense that you're going somewhere so they try to get you off track and distract you. They want to make you feel like you are not good enough, something beneath them; they're trying to take away your strength because they are weak!

These people are so focused on all the wrong things that they haven't protected themselves. And, when you don't protect yourself, you gon' get bust up!

So,

no matter what happens to me,

if I remember what's important,

and if I don't allow my mind to tell me lies and drive me astray,

I will know who I am

and, in knowing who I am,

I stand tall

I stand for something

I stand for my everything

and therefore I do not fall

and that is how I stay strong.

11-14-2012 6:19am © Kayla Napua Kong

 | Dear reader, woo! That was a spooky thing to write! It was a little too real but whateva... dass what I get fo' write hihihi. Oh and I was writing that to/with a specific bunch of people (that I know) in mind but, if you got offended by any of it... maybe it didn't come out right... or maybe... you can't handle the truth either??? ¯\_(*O.o)_/¯ |

Hit send!

I haven't told the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I was wrong. It was wrong of me because what I did, did not do it justice!

I hit send. But I hit it a little too late. I gave it a little too much thought. I gave my mind the chance to think and find it's pride again. I shouldn't have let it. I should've hit send right from the start! But I didn't... I waited... and that was my downfall because if I hadn't waited, if I hadn't given myself the time to think then, I would have hit send in the midst of all my fury! ...and it would've been the real, raw, truth! But no... I went to edit it because maybe I came off a little cockier than I intended and maybe I came off arrogant when I really wasn't trying to be... and maybe it's because, in the heat of the moment, I didn't know how to explain myself very well... and maybe I cared if people (who haven't lived my life) would be able to understand where I was coming from... and maybe I thought it would offend the wrong people that I didn't intend to offend.. and maybe because of all of that thinking I remembered my pride and maybe that's why I deleted 50% of it before I hit send! Therefore, I haven't been 100% honest! Only 50%! *0.0) WTF! That's no good! That's half a**! Dass not da way!

So, I'm gonna go back, put back all that I left out and I'm gonna hit send whether you like it or not.

*X_X

11-29-2012 10:38am © Kayla Napua Kong

ALL I'VE GOT

From the places I have been, I will return
From the things only we know, I will tell them
From the feelings we sensed deep down inside, I will let surface
From the things we have let slide, I will blow the whistle on
From those difficult times that we do not let affect us, I will let it affect me
In those moments that were little, I will acknowledge it's importance
In those moments that we felt small, I will make significant
From those moments that were taken, I will take from
From those moments that have happened, I will make happen
In all the moments, even as they come and go in the fleeting seconds, I will capture them with my net
In all the moments, even the ones that have died in the jar, I will pay my respects
If it has gone through me to feel it once, it can go through me again and onto the page.
Because all of this remains whether I live it all the time or not.
Because all I know is this time I've got to write!
...and this is all I've got.

November 23, 2012 4:22am © Kayla Napua Kong

What makes me strong?

¯\_(*O.o)_/¯

What makes me strong?

It Is Not Money.
It Is Not Bling.
It Is Not the fad or what is in.
It is not the crowds.
It is not the superficial.
It is not the lies.
and it definitely is not because I am living the life.

It Is Because I Don't Let The Physical Things Tell Me Who I Am.

I Am Not The Appearance
I Am Not Everything That You See
I Am Not The Shallow Things That Other People May See

I Am Below The Surface

It Is Because I Don't Let The Physical Things Tell Me Who I Am.

More Importantly: I Am Not Everything That You Don't See!

The Tough Stuff That I Live Every Day
I Am Not The Day To Day Struggles That Can, if I let it, bring me down.

I Am Deeper Than You Think

I Am A True Feeling...
and maybe that's really what you're feeling... isn't it?

Because no matter how much you try to escape your truth, my truth, the truth...
no matter how much you lie, it will always be there.

They are malicious because they are defensive
They are defensive because they feel threatened
They feel threatened because they can't handle the truth.

I am protecting the inner most important part of myself, who I truly am. That's why, in life, people try to tell you the lies to make themselves feel better. They are confused and don't understand because they don't know how to handle the truth. They don't want to believe the great in you... and actually, maybe, they are not capable! They don't believe the extraordinary because they only believe in the robotic routine. You can't make progress when you're living a lie. They can sense that you're going somewhere so they try to get you off track and distract you. They want to make you feel like you are not good enough, something beneath them; they're trying to take away your strength because they are weak!

These people are so focused on all the wrong things that they haven't protected themselves. And, when you don't protect yourself, you gon' get bust up!

So,
no matter what happens to me,
if I remember what's important,
and if I don't allow my mind to tell me lies and drive me astray,
I will know who I am
and, in knowing who I am,

• I stand tall
• I stand for something
• I stand for my everything

and, therefore, I do not fall
and that is how I stay strong.

¯\_(*U.u)_/¯

11-14-2012 6:19am © Kayla Napua Kong

Publish

Have the courage to speak and be heard.

Have the courage to write and hit send.

November 2012 © Kayla Napua Kong

Note to: Thieves

| Thieves are stealthy people that like to take things away from you, with no regard or respect to you; Whether it be actual things, ideas, inventions, or even moments and times that would have otherwise been better, happy times. They like to steal what is precious. They come in all forms, shapes, and sizes... and no one likes to be the victim of a thief. *e.e)|

Who do you think you are?
you thief!
you're a liar and a thief!
you lie to yourself
you live a facade
You were NOT given this.
you did not live through this!
you did not suffer this burden
the burdens that gifts do bring
the responsibility and respect that one must have for the gifts they receive
the gifts they must protect with their life
guard with their life
have you given up YOUR LIFE?
No!
All the discipline and learning
all the calculation and cracking
figuring out
understanding
and the time put in
all the years of outcast and suffering
Do you think gifts are yours to take because no one has given you gifts before?
Do you even know what a gift is and how it is acquired?
--you have no clue
--you ignorant fool.
All the heart and the soul of myself that I--NOT you!--have sacrificed to harness this power.
But you thief!
you walk along
have lived your life
long and miserable in your lazy ways
choosing to be blind
taking no fault and acknowledging nothing that comes to you
except! when it has already been solved
except! when the work has already been put in and done [for you]
For You?!! Really?!!
--No!--
it was not done for you! it is not yours! and you know that!
but you also know how to make yourself very blind
very, very, blind and deaf and dumb and stupid
so that you think--no--you tell yourself
that you don't know any better...
because if no one else knows then it is OK...

But I will NOT let you get away!
I WILL thwart you in your path!
I am HERE!
And I Have Come To Take Ownership Of What Is Rightfully Mine!

...as you hide out in the dark shadows of your disguise,
I'M COMING!
HELL YES I'm coming!
with my torches and my light and my flashlight and the Sun!
I'm coming and I will shine the spotlight on you that will evaporate your hiding place.
If even for a few seconds I will do this
and you will feel the light
and it will burn...
and you will be the one quivering and shaking in your soul-less boots.
For I Have Seen You
And I Know.
...and as you know,
as long as someone else knows,
you will not be okay.



November 14 & 19, 2012 © Kayla Napua Kong

Unmasked

Sometimes being vulnerable is not being weak, it's being courageous enough to be real and let down the walls that guard your true identity. Be the unmasked hero.

11-20-2012 © Kayla Napua Kong

yet.

What is reality?
This is not reality
I am not these rags
I am not this humble dwelling made of wood that the termites have turned into brittle paper
I am not poor
I am not just a dying shell whose flesh is aging
I am not this person who people look down on
I am not nobody
I am not the unsuccessful, not trying, loser
I am not this nonliving being
I was not created to die
This is not reality
But neither is that.
That is dreams
That is all that I am
That is a bunch of things that hasn't happened yet
That is a bunch of things just waiting to come true
That is my purpose
That is my future
That is my fortune cookie
I have life inside me
It is invisible but it moves the physical
I am an invisible being
I am this living being!
I was not made to not live!
I was made to live!
What is reality?
This is not reality
--But neither is that
Reality is nothing
because it means nothing to me.
Reality is as non existent as the invisible of what is yet to come!

© Kayla Napua Kong slightly revised from the original written on my iPod's notes on October 22, 2011 Sat 11:19pm

The Invisible Tree

I feel like I am a tree rooted in my spot amidst the seasons; the seasons forever changing around me but I go nowhere. The same cycle, the same routine, with changes so little that they barely even matter. They come. They go. I go nowhere. I do nothing. But I am still a matter of time & time has a way of eating away at me. Though I have many years it takes them all away; it grabs and it grabs at my years which move slowly like a painful poison then speedily like it's running out. Through me I see everyone pass me by as I watch them--rooted in my spot--wise and old and grave--to know all the stories--to know all of everything--but, without a mouth, I have no say. I am rooted on a sturdy foundation; I cannot move; I cannot go anywhere... The wind blows upon me; it rustles me, it moves me yet, save some swaying, I remain here... Always & Alone... I have leaves but I cannot leave. I stand tall but, my leaves, they fall... I am a tree... What is my purpose? It must not be for me. *~_~)

Originally written in my iPod's notes on March 29, 2011 Tues 5am © Kayla Napua Kong

little netbook

You, little netbook, how can you live on? How can you: unimportant, you: without breath, how can you still be here with me? Me: who breathes and feels, Me: who laughs and cries, Me: who misses a part of me that will never breathe again… never see again… never feel again… never feel my hand petting his furry eyeliner eyes and soft fluffy white pompom cheeks… never taste again with tiny human-like tongue that used to give kisses and drink apple juice… never chomp and munch, like a little machine, his favorite food of all time: carrots… never see his favorite colors--well the colors that I always thought were his favorite because he would always react to it more than all the other colors: orange and yellows: the bright happy colors… he’ll never get excited to see me again… never bounce and hop doing kickbacks like he was a professional skateboarder superstar… never run laps in speedy circles like he was winning the Olympic gold medal in track… he used to like to chase me around--I’ve lost my favorite little running partner… and he’ll never dance again… never chinny again… never circle my feet: i love you too.  I’ll never need to comfort him when he sees a cat or when he's in pain and still holding on… and he can never comfort me anymore. He’ll never plop on the cool refreshing ground taking in his surroundings looking out: this is the life… he’ll never get to have the garden I dreamed for him.

I remember when we dreamed together and when I thought we’d make it out alive: together.

But you, little netbook, are still here, filled with all the little memories--that I captured on film. Remember when I first got you? I was so happy! Smiling ear to ear for my new little toy. I couldn’t wait to use all your cool features, like your 1gb ram 250gb hard drive and integrated web cam. You were so small and light! That’s why I bought you! Because you were the best smallest laptop around with all those specs for that price and color: 10 inches and pink!!! I carried you around the house filming everyone in the family and then I rushed you outside because I could!--No weight or wires!--I rushed you outside talking to your web cam and narrating: “and here’s Coconut!” I smiled and you recorded him, curious sniffs and all! …

We were there then, all three of us, when he was alive and nobody was dead,  and you and I are still here now…

Do you know, little netbook, the main reason why I bought you? I wanted a typewriter. Something that my fingers anticipated to type with. Something that I could take anywhere. Something to replace my bunches of messy scribbled torn pages. I wanted to save all the captured memories and I wanted them to be safe--and you’ve kept them safe--but I haven’t really made use of writing with you and I guess now’s a good time to try again…

I try to make sense of this and why some of life's little happy moments become trivial and seemingly silly and why others become powerful and cherished…

How two little things can make me truly happy
But only one of them can make me truly sad.

Little netbook, you were there then and you’re still here now. You don’t even know what it is to be alive and yet you live on while My “little guy ”, who used to be so full of life, now rests in peace as still and cold as a snowy winter.

The last time I tried to write with you, you ended up dusty on the shelf.
This time I try again and blow off all of the dust that’s been collecting.

10-15-2012 4:33am Monday © Kayla Napua Kong