More or nothing

“If you're going to think little of someone, you don't have the right to think of them at all!”


11-25-2012 © Kayla Napua Kong

little thumbnail

I have to admit

I forgot about you

I think of you so often

everyday since you've been gone

but I know I forgot about you

or maybe I just haven't been thinking about you for a few hours or minutes...

or maybe I had just forgotten that time

that little moment in time

do you remember that one time?...

anyways...

I was signing in to some old accounts

and checking if I could delete them now

since they're so old

and I haven't used them in so long

they were just floating around

out there in cyberspace...

I signed in to an old account that I hadn't signed in to in ages...

I used to use that account to store some pictures

and I know I forgot about this

because when I went in to check

to check what I used to use this account for

I seen a little tiny square

a little thumbnail

and my heart sank because it was a thumbnail...

of you--





and I know I had forgotten...

because, if I hadn't, my heart wouldn't have felt the pang

it wouldn't have felt the difference of feeling normal

to suddenly feeling sad

a little heart feeling...

it wouldn't have felt the reminder

that even though my life somehow feels almost the same

it is not

because I just remembered

because for a few minutes I had forgotten

that you are gone.


Kayla Napua Kong © October 21, 2012 3:38am
(little edits done on December 1, 2012 Sat.)

I thought--but--Maybe...

If something's just not right, if you just can't hit send but you can't leave it alone, maybe there's something there to figure out... maybe that strange little thing that was interrupting your sleep at night, that you thought was annoying, is really something tugging at you to uncover it! Maybe it's trying to tell you something. Is it speaking to you? Is it asking you something? Maybe you have to crack the code. Maybe it's asking you to let it out of it's cage! Maybe it's bigger than you ever imagined! Maybe you have to pick the lock. Maybe you really have to pay close attention to this annoying little bug because maybe, just maybe, it has the potential to be so much more! Maybe it doesn't want to be what you thought it was going to be... Maybe it wants to be Great!

November 20, 2012 Tues. 10:16pm © Kayla Napua Kong

little netbook

You, little netbook, how can you live on? How can you: unimportant, you: without breath, how can you still be here with me? Me: who breathes and feels, Me: who laughs and cries, Me: who misses a part of me that will never breathe again… never see again… never feel again… never feel my hand petting his furry eyeliner eyes and soft fluffy white pompom cheeks… never taste again with tiny human-like tongue that used to give kisses and drink apple juice… never chomp and munch, like a little machine, his favorite food of all time: carrots… never see his favorite colors--well the colors that I always thought were his favorite because he would always react to it more than all the other colors: orange and yellows: the bright happy colors… he’ll never get excited to see me again… never bounce and hop doing kickbacks like he was a professional skateboarder superstar… never run laps in speedy circles like he was winning the Olympic gold medal in track… he used to like to chase me around--I’ve lost my favorite little running partner… and he’ll never dance again… never chinny again… never circle my feet: i love you too.  I’ll never need to comfort him when he sees a cat or when he's in pain and still holding on… and he can never comfort me anymore. He’ll never plop on the cool refreshing ground taking in his surroundings looking out: this is the life… he’ll never get to have the garden I dreamed for him.

I remember when we dreamed together and when I thought we’d make it out alive: together.

But you, little netbook, are still here, filled with all the little memories--that I captured on film. Remember when I first got you? I was so happy! Smiling ear to ear for my new little toy. I couldn’t wait to use all your cool features, like your 1gb ram 250gb hard drive and integrated web cam. You were so small and light! That’s why I bought you! Because you were the best smallest laptop around with all those specs for that price and color: 10 inches and pink!!! I carried you around the house filming everyone in the family and then I rushed you outside because I could!--No weight or wires!--I rushed you outside talking to your web cam and narrating: “and here’s Coconut!” I smiled and you recorded him, curious sniffs and all! …

We were there then, all three of us, when he was alive and nobody was dead,  and you and I are still here now…

Do you know, little netbook, the main reason why I bought you? I wanted a typewriter. Something that my fingers anticipated to type with. Something that I could take anywhere. Something to replace my bunches of messy scribbled torn pages. I wanted to save all the captured memories and I wanted them to be safe--and you’ve kept them safe--but I haven’t really made use of writing with you and I guess now’s a good time to try again…

I try to make sense of this and why some of life's little happy moments become trivial and seemingly silly and why others become powerful and cherished…

How two little things can make me truly happy
But only one of them can make me truly sad.

Little netbook, you were there then and you’re still here now. You don’t even know what it is to be alive and yet you live on while My “little guy ”, who used to be so full of life, now rests in peace as still and cold as a snowy winter.

The last time I tried to write with you, you ended up dusty on the shelf.
This time I try again and blow off all of the dust that’s been collecting.

10-15-2012 4:33am Monday © Kayla Napua Kong