The Invisible Pages Of Dusty Thoughts: die

Showing posts with label die. Show all posts

Cracking...

You don't care.

You want the end of Me.

There is not one important thing that is more important than the will to Live!

We're going to do the same things anyway, why don't we do it in Peace.

Is peace only for the resting? I wonder... _(~.~)_

The will to die comes back again...

Minds: fragile as glass, handle with care.

What would you do if you were 'bout to slip away?

I'd eat... maybe tweet...

Write with all my might!

Erratic thoughts float between discolored pages...

flipping back and forth...

no bookmark... no place...

Funny how a loved one can disappear before your eyes...

They don't even need to leave to leave...

Forever?

Is suddenly never.

One minute we're here, next minute we're not.

Is life a trick?

We must be magic!

8:11pm 8-6-2016 © Kayla Napua Kong

Letting

It's scary

letting go of a part of yourself

to become who you're meant to be

letting go of the miserable life you had

in order to get the life you've always wanted

letting go of the old

to make room for the new

letting the dead things die

and deleting the things that help you remember

because, honestly, you will never forget

and going out into the unknown

because you're certain of your future

behind the scenes: thoughts

...as i sat, searching on the computer, alone in the dark room lit up only by the small desk lamp, for a picture of Honi to use in the “About” page of www.HoniBoujouGirls.com, I came across a handful of memories from a lifetime ago. It was another life then. The best camera, in my opinion, a Fujifilm 1.3 mega pixel digital camera, from the beginning of the millennium when digital cameras were beginning to be a thing that people owned, captured so much light and life in a time before another kind of storm. We, all of us, were so much younger then, so naive then. We didn't know about time and passing. I sat there, trying to find a picture and instead I found a bunch of sad feelings. Though there's nothing we could have known better, there was regret... that little part of you that regrets the way life turned out. Because we don't really know what life is until it's gone. We don't understand that the purpose of life is not to let you live while you're young but to learn what life really is before you die. I regret that that's the way life is. Why can't it be another way? Why couldn't life have been easier? But at the same time I know why and I do kind of understand but at the same time I feel sad about the way things are and I regret when I wish things were different...

little netbook

You, little netbook, how can you live on? How can you: unimportant, you: without breath, how can you still be here with me? Me: who breathes and feels, Me: who laughs and cries, Me: who misses a part of me that will never breathe again… never see again… never feel again… never feel my hand petting his furry eyeliner eyes and soft fluffy white pompom cheeks… never taste again with tiny human-like tongue that used to give kisses and drink apple juice… never chomp and munch, like a little machine, his favorite food of all time: carrots… never see his favorite colors--well the colors that I always thought were his favorite because he would always react to it more than all the other colors: orange and yellows: the bright happy colors… he’ll never get excited to see me again… never bounce and hop doing kickbacks like he was a professional skateboarder superstar… never run laps in speedy circles like he was winning the Olympic gold medal in track… he used to like to chase me around--I’ve lost my favorite little running partner… and he’ll never dance again… never chinny again… never circle my feet: i love you too. I’ll never need to comfort him when he sees a cat or when he's in pain and still holding on… and he can never comfort me anymore. He’ll never plop on the cool refreshing ground taking in his surroundings looking out: this is the life… he’ll never get to have the garden I dreamed for him.

I remember when we dreamed together and when I thought we’d make it out alive: together.

But you, little netbook, are still here, filled with all the little memories--that I captured on film. Remember when I first got you? I was so happy! Smiling ear to ear for my new little toy. I couldn’t wait to use all your cool features, like your 1gb ram 250gb hard drive and integrated web cam. You were so small and light! That’s why I bought you! Because you were the best smallest laptop around with all those specs for that price and color: 10 inches and pink!!! I carried you around the house filming everyone in the family and then I rushed you outside because I could!--No weight or wires!--I rushed you outside talking to your web cam and narrating: “and here’s Coconut!” I smiled and you recorded him, curious sniffs and all! …

We were there then, all three of us, when he was alive and nobody was dead, and you and I are still here now…

Do you know, little netbook, the main reason why I bought you? I wanted a typewriter. Something that my fingers anticipated to type with. Something that I could take anywhere. Something to replace my bunches of messy scribbled torn pages. I wanted to save all the captured memories and I wanted them to be safe--and you’ve kept them safe--but I haven’t really made use of writing with you and I guess now’s a good time to try again…

I try to make sense of this and why some of life's little happy moments become trivial and seemingly silly and why others become powerful and cherished…

How two little things can make me truly happy
But only one of them can make me truly sad.

Little netbook, you were there then and you’re still here now. You don’t even know what it is to be alive and yet you live on while My “little guy ”, who used to be so full of life, now rests in peace as still and cold as a snowy winter.

The last time I tried to write with you, you ended up dusty on the shelf.
This time I try again and blow off all of the dust that’s been collecting.

10-15-2012 4:33am Monday © Kayla Napua Kong