little netbook

You, little netbook, how can you live on? How can you: unimportant, you: without breath, how can you still be here with me? Me: who breathes and feels, Me: who laughs and cries, Me: who misses a part of me that will never breathe again… never see again… never feel again… never feel my hand petting his furry eyeliner eyes and soft fluffy white pompom cheeks… never taste again with tiny human-like tongue that used to give kisses and drink apple juice… never chomp and munch, like a little machine, his favorite food of all time: carrots… never see his favorite colors--well the colors that I always thought were his favorite because he would always react to it more than all the other colors: orange and yellows: the bright happy colors… he’ll never get excited to see me again… never bounce and hop doing kickbacks like he was a professional skateboarder superstar… never run laps in speedy circles like he was winning the Olympic gold medal in track… he used to like to chase me around--I’ve lost my favorite little running partner… and he’ll never dance again… never chinny again… never circle my feet: i love you too.  I’ll never need to comfort him when he sees a cat or when he's in pain and still holding on… and he can never comfort me anymore. He’ll never plop on the cool refreshing ground taking in his surroundings looking out: this is the life… he’ll never get to have the garden I dreamed for him.

I remember when we dreamed together and when I thought we’d make it out alive: together.

But you, little netbook, are still here, filled with all the little memories--that I captured on film. Remember when I first got you? I was so happy! Smiling ear to ear for my new little toy. I couldn’t wait to use all your cool features, like your 1gb ram 250gb hard drive and integrated web cam. You were so small and light! That’s why I bought you! Because you were the best smallest laptop around with all those specs for that price and color: 10 inches and pink!!! I carried you around the house filming everyone in the family and then I rushed you outside because I could!--No weight or wires!--I rushed you outside talking to your web cam and narrating: “and here’s Coconut!” I smiled and you recorded him, curious sniffs and all! …

We were there then, all three of us, when he was alive and nobody was dead,  and you and I are still here now…

Do you know, little netbook, the main reason why I bought you? I wanted a typewriter. Something that my fingers anticipated to type with. Something that I could take anywhere. Something to replace my bunches of messy scribbled torn pages. I wanted to save all the captured memories and I wanted them to be safe--and you’ve kept them safe--but I haven’t really made use of writing with you and I guess now’s a good time to try again…

I try to make sense of this and why some of life's little happy moments become trivial and seemingly silly and why others become powerful and cherished…

How two little things can make me truly happy
But only one of them can make me truly sad.

Little netbook, you were there then and you’re still here now. You don’t even know what it is to be alive and yet you live on while My “little guy ”, who used to be so full of life, now rests in peace as still and cold as a snowy winter.

The last time I tried to write with you, you ended up dusty on the shelf.
This time I try again and blow off all of the dust that’s been collecting.

10-15-2012 4:33am Monday © Kayla Napua Kong